Before I get into the new season's episodes, let me mention that I still miss Robb Stark. Richard Madden was my GoT crush and now he's dead. When I watched The Rains of Castemere, aka The Red Wedding, I was sitting on my couch in shock, mouth wide open, and silent for at least five minutes. If you know me in person, you know that's a really long time for me to be quiet. My friends, Aimee and Erin, helped ease my pain by buying tickets to his sit down interview with Zachary Levi during ComicCon. I got my fix and was able to stare at him unabashedly during the entire thing. He was so charming.
Anyway, let's talk Season 4!
Episode 1 - Two Swords
This episode could've been called "People Trying and Failing to Get Some Ass." We start off with a quick two minute recap of Season 3. I was sad to see Robb Stark die. Again. Catelyn Stark's scream still haunts my nightmares.
Then we see a Valkyrian sword (Ned Stark's beloved sword, and the same sword that was used to behead him) being melted down to create two new swords - one for Jaime and one for Joffrey. Tywin steps in to oversee the process. Jaime gets his brand new sword from daddy, while justifying his usefullness and fighting abilities. Daddy Lannister tries to send Jaime away to Casterly Rock and relieve him of his duties. Jaime of course says no because he doesn't want to leave Cersei. We also learn that Jaime is 40. Hubba hubba.
Tyrion, accompanied by Podrick and Bronn, awaits the arrival of the Prince of Dorne. Instead of Prince Doran, his younger/cuter brother comes in his place, Prince Oberyn. Alas, he is not with his men. Tyrion believes he is at a whore house since he's "fucked half of Westeros." Tyrion is right, of course. Littlefinger's Whore House. What an epic name. We are introduced to Oberyn as he eyes some whores to join him and his favorite whore for some fun. And with that, we get our first female full frontal. Quickly followed by our second. Followed by some sexy gay talk. Oh, this show. I have missed you.
Oberyn is then distracted by someone singing the Rains of Castemere and gets all hot and bothered. But not in a good way. Oberyn confronts and then stabs a Lannister relative in the hand, as Tyrion barges in. Tyrion and Oberyn speak privately to figure out why he is visiting King's Landing. We find out that Oberyn hates the Lannisters because The Mountain raped and killed his sister. We also find out that she was married to a Targaryan. His niece and nephew were also tortured and killed. No wonder he's pissed!
The Mother of the Dragons is petting one of her dragon babies when the other two return with a bloody animal carcass. Eww. The kids then fight and then they snap at mommy. MEAN little dragon bastards. After that, we see that Daario has been replaced, and isn't nearly as hot as he was before. More on that later.
"I'd rather have no brains and two balls." - Daario to Greyworm after their sword contest (no pun intended). ZING!
Sansa is still depressed. And she is still the saddest girl in all the land. Understandably so, she is married to Tyrion and her family is being killed, one by one. I'd be sad too. Did I mention that I miss Robb Stark? I wonder what Richard Madden is up to these days. I'll watch it, regardless. Meanwhile, Sansa runs off to get some peace. Tyrion goes back to his room to find Shae trying to get a piece. His finger ends up somewhere private and when he tells her to stop, his whore goes all psycho bitch on him.
Jaime is fitted with a golden hand commissioned by Cersei and he HATES it. He jokes that he'd rather have a hook. Is it bad that I laughed when he waved goodbye with his gold hand?
We learn that Pycelle smells like a wet cat. EWW. Cersei bitches at Jaime for all the problems in her life. She's awful. Jaime then tries to get some incestuous action, and he too is shot down because Cersei is mad that he left her...and took too long to come back. What a brat.
Ygritte is getting questioned about whether or not she truly killed Jon Snow. The Wildlings are then visited by a creepy veiny headed man, supposedly sent by Mance Ryder. He is a scary cannibal and speaks of their plans to overtake Castle Black.
Meanwhile, at Castle Black, we see Jon Snow reminiscing about his brother Robb. He was better at EVERYTHING ;) Ugh, RIP Robb Stark.
Jon Snow is on trial with the crow "judges" at Castle Black and forcefully tells them that the Wildlings are coming to get them! The counsel allows Jon Snow to leave the trial without punishment.
Margaery and Grandma Tyrell look over the jewels created for her wedding and discuss the wedding further. Margaery looks annoyed with the thought of being married to Joffrey. I would be too, girlfriend! Brienne joins the Tyrells and tells Margaery what happened with Stannis and Renly.
Joffrey, meanwhile, is half listening to his wedding plans. During the discussion, Jaime gets crap for his lack of hand and then bullied by Joffrey. Poor gold handed Lannister. Joffrey then talks about how "he" won the war. So hilarious. He didn't do shit. And like the sniveling little coward he is, he humiliates Jaime for his lack of accomplishments...and hand, again. Be nice to your daddy, bitch!
Khalesi asks her maiden about Meereen and is interrupted by Daario, who presents her with flowers. So smooth.
He warns her about the land they are about to invade and reminds her that she needs to know what she is doing before they get there. Side note: they have a weird father/daughter kind of vibe, but I kinda wish Ser Jorrah and Khalesi would hook up. Along the way to Meereen, she is advised of the fact that there are a total of 163 women that the Meereen soldiers killed as a warning to Khalesi and her empathetic way ruling her army.
Jaime and Brienne hae a great scene where they argue about keeping Sansa and Arya safe. Sansa is then confronted by a drunk that tells her he will help protect her since she saved his life on Joffrey's name day. He presents her with a beautiful necklace and they become besties.
Speaking of Arya, she and The Hound are riding around, firguring out what to do next. During this time, we get some amazing dialogue from The Hound. Anyway, Arya wants her sword back. Robb gave it to her. She and The Hound enter a tavern, but only The Hound is recognized.
After some fighting words are exchanged with members of the King's Guard, a fight breaks out and The Hound wins, of course. It was pretty gruesome. The episode ended with Arya kicking a little ass herself and killing the man that killed her friend in Season 2. Also, The Hound got the chicken he wanted badly, and Arya got her own horse. SCORE!
My two favorite moments of the episode:
Arya: "Lots of people name their sword."
The Hound: "Lots of cunts."
"I understand that if any other words come out of your cunt mouth, I'm going to have to eat every chicken in this room." - The Hound with the best line of the episode.
And we're off and running! What a great start to the season.
Episode 2 - The Lion and the Rose
I was busy when this episode premiered and managed to avoid spoilers on social media and other internet sites. It was so annoying that the next morning, an ex of mine emailed me and said "Joffrey's death last night...what did you think?" No preface of "Did you watch Game of Thrones last night?" NOTHING. Just jumped right in. I wanted to punch him so hard in the crotch. WHO DOES THAT? I didn't even feel like watching it since the big surprise was ruined for me until now, right before the premiere of Episode 3.
The episode opens with Theon continuing to be tortured by his captor Ramsay, playing some sick game of attack and killing while making him watch an innocent woman die. Poor dickless Theon.
Tyrion and Jaime have a brotherly lunch where Tyrion proposes a toast to the Lannister children "a dwarf, a cripple, and the mother of madness." We also see that Jaime is still super sad about the loss of his hand, especially when he spills some wine. The King Slayer wants to give up fighting because he knows that he's not as strong with his left hand. His brother convinces him otherwise. Can I just mention really quick what an amazing actor Peter Dinkelage is? He's one of my favorite actors.
Jamie is later seen practicing his sword fighting skills with Bron. Looks like little brother's pep talk worked!
We then cut back to Theon. Ramsay's daddy, Roose Bolton, is mad that his bastard messed things up with Theon because of his importance as a Greyjoy. Quick reminder, it was Roose that killed Robb Stark. Fuck you, dude. Roose finds out that Rikkon and Bran Stark are still alive. I'm actually really surprised that Theon didn't kill his captor when he learned that Robb Stark was killed by Roose. It's like he didn't have any...oh wait, he doesn't. Theon also told Roose that Jon Snow is at the Wall. Roose then challenged his son to capture something or other to prove his worth.
News of Tyrion's affair with Shae has been passed around King's Landing, with Cersei telling their dad about it. During what looks like a "rehearsal dinner" for King Joffrey's wedding to Lady Tyrell, he is presented his new Valkyrian sword and promptly douches it up, cutting up the book that Tyrion presented him as a gift and also mentioned Ned Stark's beheading to further upset Sansa.
"Every time I use that it will be like cutting off Ned Stark's head all over again." - Oh Joffrey. Just go die already.
Elsewhere, Tyrion breaks up Shae, saying their "friendship" is over, calling her a whore and sending her away on a ship. Typical man, calling you names when he's hurting. "I can't be in love with a whore. I can't have children with a whore. How many men have you been with? 500? 5,000?" That was a rough scene. He tried to do what's best for her by pushing her away, but it sucks that he did it that way.
Melisandre is burning people at the stake, continuing to prove that she a crazy witch bitch. I'm pretty sick of her character. Someone should burn her ass for bringing down Stannis Baratheon's chances for the throne. She continued to talk her crazy talk and I couldn't wait until we moved onto a different scene.
Heavy breathing. Dead animal. Hodor. Another Bran mind meld dream. He has creepy powers. A crow. He saw us. North. The iron throne. Snow. A dragon. I don't know what this means. I'm sure we'll find out and it will all make sense in the end.
We've now fast forwarded to Joffrey and Margaery's wedding. Jack Gleason is such a great actor because of his innate ability to make us hate him. Sansa says "We have a new Queen." Tyrion responds with "Better her than you." Hello, understatement.
Margaery's grandmother is still funny and is still full of sass. She even apologizes to Sansa for her brother's death and we finally see a tiny smile from the saddest Stark. She also says something about how unfortunate getting killed at a wedding is. FORESHADOWING.
At the "wedding reception", we get confirmation from Bronn that Shae has been shipped off. Margaery looks bored and already annoyed with King Joffrey five minutes into their marriage. Meanwhile, we see Loras eye fucking a cutie at the wedding. Jamie gets incestuously jealous and tries to scare him off, but it comes off as super creepy. This was a great exchange though.
We see the return of Brienne and some of the awesomeness that is Margaery. Cersei looks a little jealous, talking to Brienne about loving Jamie. AWKWARD. Cersei is on a bitch trip and decides to give the leftovers that Margaery promised to the poor, to the dogs and threatened to feed Pycelle to the dogs if he didn't listen to her commands. What a ho. She then fights with Oberyn too. She is no match for him, as reminds her about how he life has gone to shit and her family's power is dwindling.
King Joffrey interrupts the merriment with a douchetastic announcement, inviting little people to reenact the war of five kings for his enjoyment. Tyrion, and the Tyrells, were not amused. Poor Sansa hated it too, especially when the Robb impersonator was killed. In fact, his little people play offended nearly everyone. Joffrey, on the other hand, was so thrilled with himself that he spit wine out with glee. The King then belittles (no pun intended) his uncle, who then rips him a new one, embarrassing him in the process. Joffrey's response is to pour a glass of wine on Tyrion's head.
With everyone else watching uncomfortably and the tension close to bubbling over, Joffrey declares Tyrion to be his Cup Bearer. Tyrion and Sansa exchange a look as his goblet is refilled. Joffrey commands his uncle to kneel repeatedly as he refuses. Margaery saves the day, declaring that the "pie" has arrived. In the real world, it's called a wedding cake. Just sayin'.
Joffrey then stops Tyrion and Sansa from leaving the reception. After a couple bites of dry pie and then a big gulp of wine, the King starts coughing uncontrollably and starts choking and vomiting. Sansa is advised to leave right away by her new friend from episode 1 of this season. Cersei looks on as her child of incest dies in her arms, reaching out towards Tyrion, who is holding the King's goblet. Cersei blames Tyrion like the dumb ho that she is.
All men must must die. That's the tag line for the season. I'm glad Joffrey is one of them. This episode was so amazing. With the sadness of deaths on this show, I felt slightly guilty for being so happy about a death. However, viewers/fans have hated Joffrey so lustily for three seasons, that his death was a satisfying one. It is also weird, that in a way, I miss him. It's always fun to have someone to hate. Plus, given all the evil things he has done and said, I wish his death was at the hands of one of the remaining Starks...or at least longer, more drawn out, and more painful. Let's remember Joffrey with one of my favorite scenes - Tyrion slapping Joffrey.
Lastly, closing the episode with the Rains of Castamere being sung is such a fitting ending for another wedding surprise. The preview for the next episode was great. Who poisoned Joffrey?
Episode 3 - Breaker of Chains
I wasn't going to allow an idiot to spoil the latest episode for me again, so I took a break from watching the Sharks/Kings playoff game to watch Episode 3. We start up again with dead Joffrey face, Cersei having Tyrion arrested, and Tywin starting a frenzied search for Sansa, who is running towards a paddle boat with her new guardian angel.
Sansa hits solid land, and into the arms of Littlefinger. So creepy that our favorite brothel owner was behind the Save Sansa movement. Seems like someone is missing Catelyn Stark more than he'd like to admit. Dontos, Sansa's savior, is promptly killed with an arrow when he asked for payment.
Meanwhile Margaery is more concerned about whether or not she's still the queen, rather than another husband dying. She as a great track record: husband #1 - gay and dead (Renly); husband #2 - little punk ass and dead bastard (Joffrey). Grandma says her next husband should be easier to handle. El oh el.
The weird eye rocks on Joffrey...? Could've done without that. Tywin then asks Joffrey's younger brother Tommen what kind of King he will be. Let's hope he's nothing like his dickhead older brother. Nice to hear Tywin say that Joffrey was a bad king - neither wise nor kind. UNDERSTATEMENT.
Jamie sends away the guards so he can have a moment with Cersei and their child. She continues to blame Tyrion for Joffrey's death and then asks Jamie to kill their brother. What a c-word. I wish someone would behead her annoying ass. I love that Jamie calls her a hateful woman...but then he ruins it by pillaging her. Kinda hot, kinda not, and all kinds of wrong to do that while mourning your son.
We then cut to sassy Arya Stark. She claims to be a Tully to hide her identity, and also says The Hound is her father. Pure comedy. The Hound is hungry and acts like a savage at dinner while they are guests in a stranger's house, but still manages to get a job in the process. Arya hears a scream in her sleep and sees that The Hound has stolen silver from the nice strangers that fed them.
Up next is Jon Snow's fat friend Sam and his Wildling girl bestie Gilly, talking about how all the celibate men are having dirty thoughts about her. More AWKWARD MOMENTS. To protect her, he sends her to a whore house. Umm, what?!
People have conversations in dark places. Three straight scenes of that and I'm confused. One of them is Stannis hearing about Joffrey's death and thinking about how cray Melisandre is. More confusion ensues...And then, BOOM! Orgy fun times, subsequently interrupted by Tywin. This show is so crazy.
Tywin confronts Oberyn about poisoning Joffrey. He even mentions that he had a private chat with Tyrion that may have convinced him to kill Joffrey. Oberyn mentions again that The Mountain raped and killed his sister, as Tywin asks him to be a judge in Tyrion's trial. Tywin then takes a moment to update us on the status of the the Seven Kingdoms, which serves as a quick summary about who's doing what right now. Each major family was mentioned.
Tyrion gets a visitor in jail, getting a chat from Podrick about how his trial will work and who the "judges" will be. He gets to provide a witness list, and promptly asks for Sansa. That's how he finds out she is missing. He mentions that Cersei is a stupid c-word that is always responsible for the negative things happening in his life. I'm so sick of her character.
Podrick offers to help Tyrion, which would result in his death. He was asked to testify against Tyrion, but would rather stay loyal. What ensues is a great interaction between the two, ending with Tyrion telling Podrick that he cannot sacrifice himself.
Quickly, we jump to Ygritte and the Wildlings causing a ruckus and killing an entire camp savagely, including kidnapping a little boy, and telling him that he needs to get to Castle Black to send a message. So sweet of them to eat the little boys parents as they send him off to warn the crows. We also see Jon Snow with his glorious hair in intact. He gives an impassioned speech about what they need to do to defeat the Wildlings.
Up next is Khalesi, riding her beautiful white horse, followed by her loyal army. First of all, I miss Ed Skrein as Daario Naharis. He was much hotter than his replacement. Plus his scenes with Khalesi were so amazing.
Apparently, book purists thought he was too pretty to be Daario. BASTARDS, all of you.
The Meereenians (yes, I just made up a word) challenges Khalesi's army to a one on one battle to the death. However, beefore that, this happened:
"A man whose cock is hiding in his asshole..." Best. Line. Ever.
Not-as-cute Daario offers to fight in her honor. Ok, he's attractive too...but he's no Ed Skrein. Anyway, new Daario easily takes down his competition. We are then treated to another Khalesi speech in her convincing gibberish to convince another group of people that she is not an evil queen and commands her army to catapult neck collars into their city to remind them of their slavery. Or their lack of freedom. Or something like that. Again, I was confused. I'm hoping this will make more sense to me next week.
This is going to be another amazing season though. You can feel the story building with each new episode. I'm so obsessed with this show! Can't wait for next Sunday...
xoxo,
JC
Episode 1 - Two Swords
This episode could've been called "People Trying and Failing to Get Some Ass." We start off with a quick two minute recap of Season 3. I was sad to see Robb Stark die. Again. Catelyn Stark's scream still haunts my nightmares.
Then we see a Valkyrian sword (Ned Stark's beloved sword, and the same sword that was used to behead him) being melted down to create two new swords - one for Jaime and one for Joffrey. Tywin steps in to oversee the process. Jaime gets his brand new sword from daddy, while justifying his usefullness and fighting abilities. Daddy Lannister tries to send Jaime away to Casterly Rock and relieve him of his duties. Jaime of course says no because he doesn't want to leave Cersei. We also learn that Jaime is 40. Hubba hubba.
Tyrion, accompanied by Podrick and Bronn, awaits the arrival of the Prince of Dorne. Instead of Prince Doran, his younger/cuter brother comes in his place, Prince Oberyn. Alas, he is not with his men. Tyrion believes he is at a whore house since he's "fucked half of Westeros." Tyrion is right, of course. Littlefinger's Whore House. What an epic name. We are introduced to Oberyn as he eyes some whores to join him and his favorite whore for some fun. And with that, we get our first female full frontal. Quickly followed by our second. Followed by some sexy gay talk. Oh, this show. I have missed you.
Oberyn is then distracted by someone singing the Rains of Castemere and gets all hot and bothered. But not in a good way. Oberyn confronts and then stabs a Lannister relative in the hand, as Tyrion barges in. Tyrion and Oberyn speak privately to figure out why he is visiting King's Landing. We find out that Oberyn hates the Lannisters because The Mountain raped and killed his sister. We also find out that she was married to a Targaryan. His niece and nephew were also tortured and killed. No wonder he's pissed!
The Mother of the Dragons is petting one of her dragon babies when the other two return with a bloody animal carcass. Eww. The kids then fight and then they snap at mommy. MEAN little dragon bastards. After that, we see that Daario has been replaced, and isn't nearly as hot as he was before. More on that later.
"I'd rather have no brains and two balls." - Daario to Greyworm after their sword contest (no pun intended). ZING!
Sansa is still depressed. And she is still the saddest girl in all the land. Understandably so, she is married to Tyrion and her family is being killed, one by one. I'd be sad too. Did I mention that I miss Robb Stark? I wonder what Richard Madden is up to these days. I'll watch it, regardless. Meanwhile, Sansa runs off to get some peace. Tyrion goes back to his room to find Shae trying to get a piece. His finger ends up somewhere private and when he tells her to stop, his whore goes all psycho bitch on him.
Margaery and Grandma Tyrell look over the jewels created for her wedding and discuss the wedding further. Margaery looks annoyed with the thought of being married to Joffrey. I would be too, girlfriend! Brienne joins the Tyrells and tells Margaery what happened with Stannis and Renly.
Joffrey, meanwhile, is half listening to his wedding plans. During the discussion, Jaime gets crap for his lack of hand and then bullied by Joffrey. Poor gold handed Lannister. Joffrey then talks about how "he" won the war. So hilarious. He didn't do shit. And like the sniveling little coward he is, he humiliates Jaime for his lack of accomplishments...and hand, again. Be nice to your daddy, bitch!
Khalesi asks her maiden about Meereen and is interrupted by Daario, who presents her with flowers. So smooth.
Jaime and Brienne hae a great scene where they argue about keeping Sansa and Arya safe. Sansa is then confronted by a drunk that tells her he will help protect her since she saved his life on Joffrey's name day. He presents her with a beautiful necklace and they become besties.
Speaking of Arya, she and The Hound are riding around, firguring out what to do next. During this time, we get some amazing dialogue from The Hound. Anyway, Arya wants her sword back. Robb gave it to her. She and The Hound enter a tavern, but only The Hound is recognized.
After some fighting words are exchanged with members of the King's Guard, a fight breaks out and The Hound wins, of course. It was pretty gruesome. The episode ended with Arya kicking a little ass herself and killing the man that killed her friend in Season 2. Also, The Hound got the chicken he wanted badly, and Arya got her own horse. SCORE!
My two favorite moments of the episode:
Arya: "Lots of people name their sword."
The Hound: "Lots of cunts."
"I understand that if any other words come out of your cunt mouth, I'm going to have to eat every chicken in this room." - The Hound with the best line of the episode.
And we're off and running! What a great start to the season.
Episode 2 - The Lion and the Rose
I was busy when this episode premiered and managed to avoid spoilers on social media and other internet sites. It was so annoying that the next morning, an ex of mine emailed me and said "Joffrey's death last night...what did you think?" No preface of "Did you watch Game of Thrones last night?" NOTHING. Just jumped right in. I wanted to punch him so hard in the crotch. WHO DOES THAT? I didn't even feel like watching it since the big surprise was ruined for me until now, right before the premiere of Episode 3.
The episode opens with Theon continuing to be tortured by his captor Ramsay, playing some sick game of attack and killing while making him watch an innocent woman die. Poor dickless Theon.
Tyrion and Jaime have a brotherly lunch where Tyrion proposes a toast to the Lannister children "a dwarf, a cripple, and the mother of madness." We also see that Jaime is still super sad about the loss of his hand, especially when he spills some wine. The King Slayer wants to give up fighting because he knows that he's not as strong with his left hand. His brother convinces him otherwise. Can I just mention really quick what an amazing actor Peter Dinkelage is? He's one of my favorite actors.
We then cut back to Theon. Ramsay's daddy, Roose Bolton, is mad that his bastard messed things up with Theon because of his importance as a Greyjoy. Quick reminder, it was Roose that killed Robb Stark. Fuck you, dude. Roose finds out that Rikkon and Bran Stark are still alive. I'm actually really surprised that Theon didn't kill his captor when he learned that Robb Stark was killed by Roose. It's like he didn't have any...oh wait, he doesn't. Theon also told Roose that Jon Snow is at the Wall. Roose then challenged his son to capture something or other to prove his worth.
News of Tyrion's affair with Shae has been passed around King's Landing, with Cersei telling their dad about it. During what looks like a "rehearsal dinner" for King Joffrey's wedding to Lady Tyrell, he is presented his new Valkyrian sword and promptly douches it up, cutting up the book that Tyrion presented him as a gift and also mentioned Ned Stark's beheading to further upset Sansa.
"Every time I use that it will be like cutting off Ned Stark's head all over again." - Oh Joffrey. Just go die already.
Elsewhere, Tyrion breaks up Shae, saying their "friendship" is over, calling her a whore and sending her away on a ship. Typical man, calling you names when he's hurting. "I can't be in love with a whore. I can't have children with a whore. How many men have you been with? 500? 5,000?" That was a rough scene. He tried to do what's best for her by pushing her away, but it sucks that he did it that way.
Heavy breathing. Dead animal. Hodor. Another Bran mind meld dream. He has creepy powers. A crow. He saw us. North. The iron throne. Snow. A dragon. I don't know what this means. I'm sure we'll find out and it will all make sense in the end.
We've now fast forwarded to Joffrey and Margaery's wedding. Jack Gleason is such a great actor because of his innate ability to make us hate him. Sansa says "We have a new Queen." Tyrion responds with "Better her than you." Hello, understatement.
At the "wedding reception", we get confirmation from Bronn that Shae has been shipped off. Margaery looks bored and already annoyed with King Joffrey five minutes into their marriage. Meanwhile, we see Loras eye fucking a cutie at the wedding. Jamie gets incestuously jealous and tries to scare him off, but it comes off as super creepy. This was a great exchange though.
We see the return of Brienne and some of the awesomeness that is Margaery. Cersei looks a little jealous, talking to Brienne about loving Jamie. AWKWARD. Cersei is on a bitch trip and decides to give the leftovers that Margaery promised to the poor, to the dogs and threatened to feed Pycelle to the dogs if he didn't listen to her commands. What a ho. She then fights with Oberyn too. She is no match for him, as reminds her about how he life has gone to shit and her family's power is dwindling.
King Joffrey interrupts the merriment with a douchetastic announcement, inviting little people to reenact the war of five kings for his enjoyment. Tyrion, and the Tyrells, were not amused. Poor Sansa hated it too, especially when the Robb impersonator was killed. In fact, his little people play offended nearly everyone. Joffrey, on the other hand, was so thrilled with himself that he spit wine out with glee. The King then belittles (no pun intended) his uncle, who then rips him a new one, embarrassing him in the process. Joffrey's response is to pour a glass of wine on Tyrion's head.
With everyone else watching uncomfortably and the tension close to bubbling over, Joffrey declares Tyrion to be his Cup Bearer. Tyrion and Sansa exchange a look as his goblet is refilled. Joffrey commands his uncle to kneel repeatedly as he refuses. Margaery saves the day, declaring that the "pie" has arrived. In the real world, it's called a wedding cake. Just sayin'.
Joffrey then stops Tyrion and Sansa from leaving the reception. After a couple bites of dry pie and then a big gulp of wine, the King starts coughing uncontrollably and starts choking and vomiting. Sansa is advised to leave right away by her new friend from episode 1 of this season. Cersei looks on as her child of incest dies in her arms, reaching out towards Tyrion, who is holding the King's goblet. Cersei blames Tyrion like the dumb ho that she is.
Episode 3 - Breaker of Chains
I wasn't going to allow an idiot to spoil the latest episode for me again, so I took a break from watching the Sharks/Kings playoff game to watch Episode 3. We start up again with dead Joffrey face, Cersei having Tyrion arrested, and Tywin starting a frenzied search for Sansa, who is running towards a paddle boat with her new guardian angel.
Sansa hits solid land, and into the arms of Littlefinger. So creepy that our favorite brothel owner was behind the Save Sansa movement. Seems like someone is missing Catelyn Stark more than he'd like to admit. Dontos, Sansa's savior, is promptly killed with an arrow when he asked for payment.
The weird eye rocks on Joffrey...? Could've done without that. Tywin then asks Joffrey's younger brother Tommen what kind of King he will be. Let's hope he's nothing like his dickhead older brother. Nice to hear Tywin say that Joffrey was a bad king - neither wise nor kind. UNDERSTATEMENT.
Jamie sends away the guards so he can have a moment with Cersei and their child. She continues to blame Tyrion for Joffrey's death and then asks Jamie to kill their brother. What a c-word. I wish someone would behead her annoying ass. I love that Jamie calls her a hateful woman...but then he ruins it by pillaging her. Kinda hot, kinda not, and all kinds of wrong to do that while mourning your son.
We then cut to sassy Arya Stark. She claims to be a Tully to hide her identity, and also says The Hound is her father. Pure comedy. The Hound is hungry and acts like a savage at dinner while they are guests in a stranger's house, but still manages to get a job in the process. Arya hears a scream in her sleep and sees that The Hound has stolen silver from the nice strangers that fed them.
Up next is Jon Snow's fat friend Sam and his Wildling girl bestie Gilly, talking about how all the celibate men are having dirty thoughts about her. More AWKWARD MOMENTS. To protect her, he sends her to a whore house. Umm, what?!
People have conversations in dark places. Three straight scenes of that and I'm confused. One of them is Stannis hearing about Joffrey's death and thinking about how cray Melisandre is. More confusion ensues...And then, BOOM! Orgy fun times, subsequently interrupted by Tywin. This show is so crazy.
Tywin confronts Oberyn about poisoning Joffrey. He even mentions that he had a private chat with Tyrion that may have convinced him to kill Joffrey. Oberyn mentions again that The Mountain raped and killed his sister, as Tywin asks him to be a judge in Tyrion's trial. Tywin then takes a moment to update us on the status of the the Seven Kingdoms, which serves as a quick summary about who's doing what right now. Each major family was mentioned.
Tyrion gets a visitor in jail, getting a chat from Podrick about how his trial will work and who the "judges" will be. He gets to provide a witness list, and promptly asks for Sansa. That's how he finds out she is missing. He mentions that Cersei is a stupid c-word that is always responsible for the negative things happening in his life. I'm so sick of her character.
Podrick offers to help Tyrion, which would result in his death. He was asked to testify against Tyrion, but would rather stay loyal. What ensues is a great interaction between the two, ending with Tyrion telling Podrick that he cannot sacrifice himself.
The Meereenians (yes, I just made up a word) challenges Khalesi's army to a one on one battle to the death. However, beefore that, this happened:
"A man whose cock is hiding in his asshole..." Best. Line. Ever.
Not-as-cute Daario offers to fight in her honor. Ok, he's attractive too...but he's no Ed Skrein. Anyway, new Daario easily takes down his competition. We are then treated to another Khalesi speech in her convincing gibberish to convince another group of people that she is not an evil queen and commands her army to catapult neck collars into their city to remind them of their slavery. Or their lack of freedom. Or something like that. Again, I was confused. I'm hoping this will make more sense to me next week.
xoxo,
JC
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